Self-Doubt AKA "Parenting is Hard"
Photo by Arlene Easterwood Photography
First off, I want to thank everyone for the wonderful support we’ve received since announcing the start of the blog! I’m incredibly grateful to have such a warm and enthusiastic network of friends and family cheering me on and eager to read!
Today’s topic is brought to you by SELF-DOUBT! As a parent, I’ve second-guessed so many, if not all, of the decisions I’ve made when it comes to my kids (which I know isn’t exclusive to special needs parents). We are living in an age of mass and constant information. With the invention of the internet we are so much more susceptible to hearing (reading) everyone else’s every thought (ummm, hello—here’s my blog, read on for my opinion!)
In the special needs community, specifically the autism community, there are a lot of hot-button topics: causation, awareness versus acceptance, Autism Speaks, ABA (applied behavioral analysis), special diets, the puzzle piece “logo”, wearing blue, etc. It seems there is evidence and an article to support and/or negate just about everything—making for very passionate and contentious debates. Where does that leave us parents who are just trying to do what we feel is best for our kiddos? CONFUSED. Example: If we do ABA, will my child resent me later for wanting to “change” him? If we don’t move forward with any interventions, will he resent me for “not doing enough”? Insert fanatical Facebook commentary telling you you’re DOING IT ALL WRONG. Even well-meaning family or strangers on the street like to impart unsolicited wisdom now-and-then, and it can definitely be overwhelming. I’m sure much of this rings true for those of you parenting neurotypical kids too; there is always some scrap of “data” out there to make you feel you’ve made poor choices.
Julian’s weighted lap dog our OT had us try out during Kindergarten
Furthermore, I’ve found that each therapeutic community has a different approach, and some times those approaches completely contradict one another. I personally find immense value in so many of the methods of support out there (and am SO grateful to each and every therapist we’ve worked with), but it can certainly get confusing. For example, an OT (occupational therapist) may encourage your child taking frequent sensory breaks or keeping a weighted character on their lap in order to maintain focus, while a behavioral therapist might suggest implementing an intervention (rather than “a differentiator”) for sustained attention to reinforce sitting stationary for “x” amount of minutes. Add in a teacher with their own decades of successful teaching strategies and you’ve got the recipe for a big ol’ batch of befuddled soup!
Even the decision to make Julian’s diagnosis public was a month of mental gymnastics…a constant loop of pros and cons playing in my head. This is his private medical information and WHO AM I to share it? Why should I “out” him without his consent? On the flip side—WHY SHOULD WE HIDE IT? We’re not ashamed. I am proud of him exactly as he is, and his autism is simply a part of what makes him so special! (Do you see where I am going here?) There’s no “right” answer; it’s no wonder we feel like we’re messing things up all the time despite having the best of intentions.
I couldn’t fathom living like that any longer. I already move slowly and make VERY calculated decisions (even about the most innocuous things), I couldn’t then start factoring in the opinion of everyone else on planet earth; I’d literally never accomplish anything. And until my children are old enough to answer these questions for themselves, it is up to us, their parents to make them on their behalf. SO! here is the one question I ask myself when faced with a decision regarding my children’s care and development: Do I, this child’s mother and most ardent advocate, have his best interests at heart? If the answer is yes (and it always is), then it is a decision I will be able to live with. (I should hope it also goes without saying that I would never make a choice that would knowingly put my son or anyone else in physical danger). Am I always going to get it right? No, of course not—but I’ll certainly learn from each and every misstep. Hey, and for those of us with multiple children? We’ve got multiple opportunities to implement that practical knowledge!
So, the next time you find yourself lost in the comments on social media and bogged down by self-doubt, do yourself a favor and just STOP READING. I legit want a tattoo on my hand that says “DON’T READ THE COMMENTS”. You are your child’s guardian (not “Brenda Stevens” with no profile pic from Cincinnati) and it is your responsibility to trust your instincts when it comes to your child’s care. As long as you’re leading with love in your heart and you’re not putting anyone at inevitable risk—you’re on the right path for YOUR family. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Do you find yourself grappling with self-doubt when it comes to your parenting decisions? How do you quiet the static? Have you learned from your stumbles?